3rd Chapter
A serialized book about the evil of our time...
Looking askance at the crazy clown car of conservatism, it occurred to me that it might be helpful to know just how many bigots, boobs, fools, and fascists were being harbored in the USA.
Naturally, the first person I contacted was pollster Alan Smithee, who is Director of the Statistical Records Bureau of Statistics and Redundancy. We met at SRBSR offices in a suburb of Washington D.C. known as Virginia.
“In 1972, there were 46.7 million racists, idiots, and greed-whores in the United States,” Smithee told me.
“That’s a whole big bunch,” I noted sagely. “How was that number determined?”
“That’s the number of people who voted for Tricky Dick.”
“I see.”
“The horror story gets worse over time,” Smithee stated. “In 1984, the anti-democracy horde was up to 54.4 million. That’s the vote count for our first Alzheimer’s president, Ron the Repugnant. It receded to 49 million in 1988, with the election of Shrub Flub 1, but bloomed up to 62 million with Shrub Flub 2.”
“We’re talking Reagan and the double dose of Bush bobbleheads, right?”
“Correct,” Smithee stated. “Then, in 2012, there were just under sixty-one million deplorables in the United States. By 2020, that number had increased to seventy-four million. That’s how many people voted for Unfit Mitt and Lyin’ Ryan in 2012, and for Drumpf and Dense in 2020.”
“First,” I replied, “let me commend you on your excellent choice of nicknames. They are refreshingly accurate, although this approach seems to be a tad unprofessional.”
“Well, you see,” Smithee replied, “in the Statistical Records Bureau, we don’t speak the names of traitors. At least not out loud.”
“Good move,” I said. “But how can you say there are only 74 million racists and traitors in our country?”
“Seventy-four million, two hundred twenty-three thousand—”
“Yeah, yeah,” I said. “What about all the racists and traitors who didn’t vote?”
“Well,” Smithee admitted, “it’s true that our figure is probably low because of the factor you mentioned, but hey, who’s counting? Oh wait, we are! That’s a little statistical joke,” he added.
“Very little,” I said.
“Fortunately,” Smithee stated, “the U.S. will continue tracking the number of white supremacists, thugs, and idiots in the fifty states. The data will be collected for every presidential election.”
“So, this is an ongoing project?”
“Exactly,” Smithee replied. “We are very excited because tests like this one are wonderfully helpful for spotting evil!”
“Calling it a test might discourage people from voting.”
“Oh, good point,” Smithee said. “Let’s call it a research project.”
“That makes it sound like work.”
“Or maybe a personality quiz.”
“That’s better,” I said.
“Or perhaps a snoop-on-your-neighbor sting operation.”
“Now you’re talking,” I told him.
“Thank you.”
“So, do you have any tips for Americans voting in this upcoming election?”
“Certainly,” he said. “If a candidate has an ‘R’ after their name, you know that’s a regressive, repugnant, reprehensible racist.”
“That’s pretty easy to remember,” I said.
“Not for idiots,” he said. “And in America, you have a lot of those.”
“Boy, howdy,” I admitted.
“In fact,” the professor continued, “there are ‘moron majority’ sections of the U.S.”
“What accounts for this situation?”
“It’s very simple,” Smithee told me. “Republicans attack educational standards. Republicans attack the teaching profession itself. Republicans attack school funding. Republicans remove historical facts from textbooks. Republicans deny math and science. Republicans make up erroneous factoids and broadcast them widely and repeatedly.”
“What can we conclude from all this?”
“It’s obvious! I can state unequivocally that the biggest danger to the future of American education is the blatant and odious efforts of the evil political party called—” At this point his cell phone rang. “Excuse me a second,” he told me. “Hello? Yes. Really? How much? Uh-huh, I see. Well, yes, thank you.” He hung up and turned back to me. “So, you were saying?”
“I wasn’t speaking,” I said, “you were talking about the biggest danger to the future of American education.”
“Unfortunately,” he intoned, “the data is inconclusive.”
“No, it isn’t,” I replied.
“Now is not the time for this discussion,” he said.
“What?”
“Thoughts and prayers.”
“Okay, who was on that phone call?”
“Oh, that was just someone from the Heritage Foundation.”
“That’s a right-wing hate group.”
“I think ‘hate’ might be going too far.”
“Oh, come on,” I said. “Along with the Federalist Society and the GOP itself, the Heritage Foundation is dedicated to the destruction of democracy.”
“Words can be misleading sometimes,” Smithee said.
“Why are those treasonous scumbags in touch with you?” I inquired.
“I’ve just been retained to oversee their educational outreach program.”
“Which means you’re going to be paid to attack education.”
“Oh no,” he protested. “No, no, no! Not at all!”
“How can you say that?”
“I’m not going to be paid to attack education—I’m going to be paid to influence others to attack education.”
“That’s horrifying for democracy,” I said.
“Possibly,” he replied, “but that’s the way the political process works in America.”