"There is no connection between the GOP and Russia," said the RNC spokesperson emphatically. "None. Nada. Zip. Ziltch."
"That’s not true,” I said. “Trump's razor-thin Electoral College ‘victory’ in the 2016 election was helped by the former Russian Soviet Federative Socialist Republic."
"Nyet," he said. "There was no involvement by Rossiyskaya Federatsiya. None whatsoever."
"Did you just say Rossiyskaya Federatsiya?"
"No, I said Russia."
"I'm pretty sure you said--"
"Oh, here’s the waiter,” he said. “Hope you don’t mind, but I ordered ahead. We’re having borscht, pirozhki, and beef stroganoff," he added.
"Aren't those traditional Russian dishes?" I asked.
"No," he replied. "Now, what did you want to ask me about the Gosudarstvennyi planovyi komitet?"
"The what?"
"The upcoming GOP administration."
"Obviously,” I said, “it’s time for you to come clean about the ties between Republicans and Russia.”
“There’s nothing to tell.”
“B.S.,” I said. “Russia funds GOP lobbyists and super PACs. Russia helps the GOP with disinformation campaigns and social media propaganda. Russia works with the GOP to achieve—”
“That is all radical socialist propaganda,” he said.
"Oh, come on," I insisted.
"The media has crazy stories sometimes, but that's all just fantasy."
"Fantasy?" I asked.
"Right," he said. "Like the old saying, ‘It is the merest of dust bunnies wafting with permission through the people's airspace above Chernobyl’."
"I don't know anyone who says that," I pointed out.
"You’ll learn to say it," he said portentously. "Meanwhile, try some of this Wodka."
"What?"
"Vodka."
"But you said--"
"No I didn't."
I decided to try a different topic. "Okay," I said, "can you give me some idea of the plans the GOP have for working with the decent people of the US?"
"Sure," he replied. “Everyone will do as they're told, or else."
"Or else what?"
"They know soon enough," he said ominously.
"This isn't clearing things up at all," I protested.
"Suspense," he replied, "adds spice to life, don't you think?"
"Not when it comes to policies for the economy, labor, finance, manufacturing, equality, voting rights, human values..."
"We fully agree that those are the positions where we have disagreement.”
“That’s big of you.”
“However,” he went on, “the GOP has plans for America, and the upcoming GOP administration expects respectful behavior from members of the Politburo."
"The what?"
"Congress," he said.
"You said Politburo."
"No I didn't," he stated.
"I recorded it."
"What?"
"See this pen?" I asked. "It's a digital recorder. Listen..." I played part of our conversation. It was quite clear that he said ‘Politburo.’
"That's a left-wing media trick," he scoffed.
"Proving something is a media trick?" I said incredulously.
"It is eerily reminiscent of a show trial,” he said.
"What?"
"Or a re-education camp."
"But--"
"Or a Gulag,” he added.
"Now wait just a min--"
"Or a death squad."
"It’s not like that at all!" I told him. "And besides, we don't have those things in the United States!"
He extended his right hand, index finger pointing at me, and thumb straight up. “Not yet,” he said with a grim smile.