“This is totally off the record,” the GOP campaign operative told us as we sat at the far end of the dimly lit bar. Because he was pounding shots of rum, it came out more like “Thiz toally off tha recor.”
I looked at my fellow writer, a blogger for a news site. We glanced around the bar to make sure the three of us were not being overheard.
“Okay,” the blogger said, “our conversation will be off the record.”
“Deep background, baby,” the GOPer added for emphasis, except it came out more like “Deepackgroun, baybee.”
“Deep background, sure,” the blogger said.
“No names, no places, no dates, no times, no names, no hints, and no names, right?”
“Right.”
“You have to promise,” he said, except it came out more like “Ya hafta proms.”
“I proms,” the blogger said.
“Him, too,” the GOPer said, pointing vaguely in my direction.
“Fingers crossed and hope to lie,” I told him in my most sincere tone of voice.
He nodded, downed another shot, and said, “With Trump, the GOP has absofreakinlutely DONE IT!”
“What have you done?”
“We have achieved perfectly perfect perfection.”
“That’s very interesting,” the blogger said soothingly. “Tell me more about that.”
“Trump. Is. Perfect. Sure, we came close in the past. We had some candidates who were nutsy-goofus, like Reagan and that first Bush bobblehead. And we had some candidates who were complete liars, like Nixon and the second Bush bobblehead. And we had some racists, like Nixon and Reagan.”
“Yes, you did. And...?”
“And we had some mean SOBs like Nixon and Cheney.”
“Yes, indeed.”
“I mean, wow,” the GOP operative said, “Cheney was a prick of a pres'dent.”
“Cheney was a Veep.”
“Naw, Dubya was just a puppet. Cheney ran that show.”
“Right, right,” the blogger told him. “What about Trump?”
“Trump is the one. I mean he is absofreakinlutely the best of the bunch.”
“Tell us why Trump is the best,” the blogger said.
“Trump won on the checklist.”
“Checklist?”
“Yeah,” the GOPer said. “A checklist of attaboots.”
“Attaboots?”
“Atribu--attribb--”
“Attributes?”
“Attributes! Yeah! Trump has scored the top score of the checklist score of attabute scores.”
“Trump is the best on the checklist?”
“Damn right you are!”
“You're saying Trump has the top score.”
“Oh yeah!”
“What's on the checklist?”
“Whattaya mean?”
“You said Trump is the top scorer on the checklist of attributes. What's on the checklist?”
“Oh, okay, okay, okay,” he said. “Here's the deal. The GOP wants candidates who check off as many boxes as poss'ble. Look at how well Trump does. Ignorant, check. Racist, check. Missogist, check.”
“You mean misogynist?”
“Right, that one too. Liar, check. Loudmouth, check. Greedy asshole, check. Appeals to hate groups, check. In favor of rich guys, check. Pretends to be for the people, check. Pretends to be religious, check. Loves violence, check. Evil, check.” He paused for breath and his eyes glazed over.
The blogger and I exchanged glances again. Should we prompt the inebriated oaf or just let him slump there at the bar? Fortunately, he drifted back to his monologue.
“Trump!” shouted the GOP campaign advisor. “Trump is the double triple trifecta of trash, tripe, twaddle, and trash. I tell you, ladies ‘n’ genelmen, Donald Trump is everything the GOP has always wanted. The Right finally got it right. Trump is a Republican’s wet dream!”
And with that the man laid his head down on the bar. The blogger looked at me for a second, shrugged, and leaned over while holding his digital recorder in front of the guy's face.
“So, you're saying,” the blogger whispered, “that Trump is magnificently moronic, right?”
“Wha-? Yeah, yeah. Magficent moron.”
“You're saying that Trump is stupendously stupid.”
“Yeah. Doesn't know anything.”
“You're saying that Trump is bigly bigoted.”
“Yeah-up. Big spigot of bigot.”
“And by being evil, Donald Trump is the ideal GOP presidential candidate.”
“Wha-? Yeah, perfectly perfect. Lemmie sleepy now.”
“Yes, nighty-night,” the blogger told him. “Sweet dreams.”
The blogger switched off his recorder. “Now we've got an interesting problem,” he said to me.
“How so?” I asked, pretending to switch off my recorder.
“This was on background.”
“Not for me,” I said. “I told him 'fingers crossed and hope to lie,' remember?”
“Yeah, but he was drunk.”
“Not my problem.”
“I still don't think we can't use it.”
“Then why record it?”
“Well,” he said, glancing around the bar. “You never know when something like this will come in handy.”
“Like when?”
“Like if I want a job working for the GOP,” he said. “Bet they'd pay a lot to suppress this story.”
“Ah,” I said. “How very Republican of you.”
And I quote:”“Trump!” shouted the GOP campaign advisor. “Trump is the double triple trifecta of trash, tripe, twaddle, and trash. I tell you, ladies ‘n’ genelmen, Donald Trump is everything the GOP has always wanted. The Right finally got it right. Trump is a Republican’s wet dream!”
Wow!! Amazing what drunk GOP says about trump. Being drunk is known to make one speak the truth HIW they feel about things… believe me I know I lived with one for over 16 years … my dad!! I got out as soon as I was 17
Perfect!